To the boy I'm gonna love next

Listen,
I can be so hard to handle, I swear I am. Some of them are just lucky because sometimes, they met the easy me,  But I swear, I can be super moody and I know that's sucks. I swear I can leave your message like I never gonna like you and somehow call you like I'm your biggest admirer. Call me freak, it's suit me well. I can make you're mind blow up, 'till you out of words. Sometimes my words are sharper than a knife, and it's stub you.. everytime we argue.

But I hope you're not giving up

Because at the moment when I like you, or maybe love you
you'll see some part of me that you will never see in someone else
I can't tell you is it good or not
but you only see it when you love me
So I hope you do.

Dear Reader,

Starting from today I would like to use my blog as my personal love story. Let me tell you everything about my day, I don't have time to write it everyday, but if I had a good day or bad day, I swear, you'll know it.

So let me tell you about today, the day when I decide to write more often, I wake up feeling so anxiety, having a bad dream. I won't talk about it. Let me tell you I just broke up, with a boy who I still so in so in love with. He's the real reason why I wrote, he always be my reason. I've finish a novel series 'bout him, how he broke my heart, and my life. I depressed, frustrate, but.. he don't care.

Today I met him, in my bestfriend birthday. And he broke my heart, from pieces to another small pieces. It broke my heart till I can't say a word. So this post end..

KENAPA DIA?

Kenapa kau bertanya? Bukankah semua orang layak untuk dicinta? Kau bertanya karena kau peduli dengannya bukan? Namun, kau meragukan pilihannya? Apa mungkin ia jatuh cinta tanpa alasan? Apa mungkin ia menyukai orang yang sungguh sangat jahat dan tidak memiliki sisi baik? Lalu, apa yang membuatkau bertanya? Apa karena ia bukan seseorang pada kaummu sehingga kau memandangnya sebelah mata? Atau karena masalalunya? Apakah kamu sempurna untuk pantas mempertanyakan itu semua? 

thankyou, sorry and good bye

- I felt guilty as fuck.
*Why? You didn't do anything wrong, not even one step of you are wrong.
- What if he just being his self? What if he's hurt now? What if he hates me?
* And so what? you hurt too, don't you remember?
- I guess I forgot how hurt it felt. I think I just cared too much about him.
- I want to leave him a message, it's a thankyou and sorry message?
* Seriously? For what? He is the one who should say it.
- Please, this time... Let me believe in my self. All this time, I always hear all of you saying things and make me un-do what I really want to do. Can you once understand me? Your comments always matter to me, why can't you at least once try to understand me. 

DEAR GOD

Dear God.
If it has to be end, please let it end well. Please let me and him sit right and talk.. Heart to heart... please let go all of our ego and give us a good talk..  Give me a big heart to let him go, Give me a strong soul who can stand a broken heart. Don't let me cry.. Because it'll hurt him too.

Dear God.
If it has to be end.. Please make sure you have a better plan for me and him. Please, make him happy so he wouldn't call me anymore. Please make sure I have a strong heart and decision so if one day he come, I'll no longer catching his back. God. I don't want to hurt anyone I swear. I don't wanna fall in love if I couldn't forget him. I don't want to fall over the same mistakes..

God, please help make sure I didn't put his self among my own..

"Masih sayang?"
"Masih."
"Kenapa pisah?"
"Gue kan yang sayang, dia kagak"
"Emang tau dari mana dia ga sayang?"
"My friends told me so..."
"Menurut kamu?"
Setetes air mata akhirnya jatuh dari mata carla, Hana tertawa mengejek sahabatnya satu itu.
"La, La... Lo mau sampe kapan begitu?"
"Gue yakin temen-temen ngelarang gue dengan suatu alasan... mereka ga mungkin kok dengen sengaja nyiksa gue... Gue yakin... Gue cuma di butain sama perasaan gue ke dia..."
"Mereka bilang apa?"
Carla hanya bisa menggelengkan kepalanya.. ia tidak dapat menjelaskan apapun.. semua komentar teman-temannya hanya selalu menyayat hatinya. Kenyataan bahwa semua orang bisa melihat semua yang dilakukan Carla dan tidak ada yang dilakukan Sean.
"Bukan masalah mereka, tapi Sean emang udah nggak nunjukin lagi kalo dia sayang sama gue."
"Tapi sebenernya lo mikir dia masih sayang sama lo gitu?"
"Gue yakin... Kalo dia sayang dia bakal kejer gue..."
"Gimana kalo dia yakin, kalo lo sayang lo gak akan ngelepasin?"
"Artinya kita gak cocok, artinya, gak satupun dari kita yang sayangnya sekeras itu sampe bakal ngejer. Gue yakin kalo gue sayang banget gue bakal ngejer dia lagi, kalo sampe nanti gue bisa nahan, kalo sampe nanti dia juga bisa nahan, artinya, cinta kita emang ga segede itu."

entahlah, entahlah apa yang ada dipikiranku sekarang. Aku berubah pikiran setiap menit berlalu. Bahkan air mataku bingung ingin jatuh atau menetap. Jantungku... entahlah... ritmenya tidak jelas, berubah-berubah, ingin membenci dan ingin bersedih di saat bersamaan.

"I'm fine" aku membisikkan pada diriku sendiri.. Tentu saja aku baik-baik saja.. aku sudah pernah menghadapi hal seperti ini. aku sudah pernah kehilangan dirinya, lebih buruk lagi, aku sudah pernah melihatnya dengan orang lain.. "Lalu apa bedanya?" air mataku tetap menetes.. 

Awalnya hanya satu tetes, awalnya aku masih menertawakan diriku sendiri yang masih menangis karena hal yang sama. Namun seketika tangisku pecah, entahlah, entah apa yang merasuki diriku. Entah apa yang membuatku meninggalkan dia, mengulangi kesalahan yang sama. 

"Aku sayang kamu" 

Aku selalu meninggalkan kalimat tersebut disetiap percakapan yang kami lalui, sederhana, aku hanya ingin menunjukkan padanya betapa aku mencintainya. Tidak penting, tapi aku suka melakukan hal tersebut. 

Tidak pernah ada jawaban darinya, tidak pernah ia kembali mengirimkanku pesan tersebut. Mungkin dia memang tidak mencintaiku. 

Aku perlahan menghindar, aku perlahan mencoba merubah pandanganku, ya aku mencintainya, aku tidak ingin memungkirinya, aku terlalu jatuh cinta. dan aku hanya ingin selalu dengannya. namun hal itu terlalu memaksa. dan ternyata cinta bukan hal yang memaksa.

She walk in to the room with him, holding hand, and smile to all the guest there,
"Hey" As always her smile could brighten up the entire room, everyone wave back at her. She really is everybody's friend, she is the definition of kindness. Holding him that way, I know she already forgive him, I know she just let him control her life..
At least.. That was I thought before we talk..

I was the only one who didn't smile at her when she came, but right after she talk to everybody, she ask him to seat to the chair with everybody, and she came to me...

"Hey."
"You let him again?" Yes, I was mad at her, because, She's too strong to be that weak.. She never stop forgiving, she always give him another chance, She always try too hard, 'till it killing her, just for him...
"I know what you're thinking... But I guess... He's the one who getting hurt.. Then Why do I walk away?"

"I thought you want to leave him"
"Yes, I did too.. I was so sure 'till I cry my self all night, Feels like all of this will never be work the same. I prepare my self to those biggest lost of my life."
"And then why you change your mind?"
"I'm not change my mind, My feeling concours me, just in a blink of an eye, his eye, I couldn't resist, it makes me want to try again, again, and again.. Even if it's kills me.. all of sudden he become my world, my world that tear me apart, but still... I'll have no where to live except my world."

I Think I'm done with you
Not because I'm no longer in love with you

I've been falling for you that long,
long enough to create a flood of tears
I've been falling for you like crazy,
'till I'm ready to leave all the happiness of my life just to be with you
I've been falling for you that deep,
Deep enough to spend all of my life just for you

But may be that's it.
Because I've done giving you everything
I've been crying a whole year,
I've been hurt watching you holding someone else

I love you
But I can't stand to be with you.

I love to W R I T E

Well, I know, when you actually read my blog, you should now I love to write

But here is the thing, I actually like to write some kinda novel I guess..

Just read it here :

https://www.wattpad.com/user/twingklelittlestar

Azalia Talitha Zahra, S.Ked

It's all start with a drama, the time is ticking when I have a sleepless night. 

The total chaos came to my live... 

A Bad Good Day.

Hey.

Let me tell you my medicallife story today. 

As I told you, As a medical student I have to be a Co-assistant. 

I always hate the idea of arguing,

cursing and scream at each other
saying things you didn't mean
scratching each others heart

maybe it won't hurt, because you know they didn't mean it
but maybe, one wrong step will lost you forever

the way you mad at someone, not everyone can get it.

That's why I try to never get mad to everyone who are close to me
I understand I always understand my friend, my ex boyfriend, when they get mad, they screw everything, they curse anyone and everyone, including me.

and seeing the way they get mad, make me don't wanna get mad to anyone who are close to me.

but the thing is, it's make people take too easy on me, because I can't get mad.
one simple sorry and then i'm okay.

but I can't change, the guilt will always, lyk, always following me if I get mad. 

Welcome to the world of the real life

Pikiran gue terlempar kebeberapa tahun lalu, ketika gue bener-bener pantes di bilang bau kencur, bocah atau apapun lah, yang jelas pada saat itu gue masih duduk di bangku SD, dan bisa di sebut gue adalah orang yang don't need to worry anything about my self. 

Jadi pada saat gue kecil, bisa di bilang ya idup gue apa lagi sih yang di cari, secara kasar dan sombong gue ngomong gitu sendirinya ke diri gue. Bukannya sok cantik, tapi atleast gue nggak buruk rupa, bukannya sok pinter tapi pada masa itu gue juga bisa di bilang berprestasi, mau ngomongin latar belakang keluarga? Well, I don't like to talk about this shyt but, I'm so proud being part of my family. Intinya, gue gak punya sedikitpun hal yang perlu gue cemasin, rasanya kaya gue udah ada semuanya, semua yang gue butuh. 

Lalu saat keadaan gue selengkap itu, guru gue dengan lantang ngomong di depan kelas "Kalian itu belom tau beratnya kehidupan, sekarang kalian masih dibawah orang tua, nanti kalian ngerti yang ibu bilang saat kalian kuliah." Okey, Fine. Gue tunggu masa itu, percaya ga percaya, tapi gue selalu nginget kata-kata itu. 

Belom gue nyampe ke tahap yang disebut-sebut sama guru SD gue, saat gue SMP another teacher said the same thing, she said "Kehidupan yang kalian jalanin sekarang tu belom apa-apa, tunggu nanti kalo kalian udah kerja, kalian tau gimana beratnya tanggung jawab sama diri sendiri." Satu lagi tahap kehidupan yang gue tunggu, Kerja, cari duit, tanggung jawab sama diri sendiri. Namun pada saat gue ndenger hal ini, sikap gue masih sama, gue penasaran tapi tetep, gak peduli. 

Lalu, setiba gue di SMA, hidup gue udah gak seperfect sebelomnya, well, otak gue udah mulai nekrosis, jauh banget dari kata pinter, tampang juga mengalami tingkat penurunan yang sangat drastis, temen-temen terdeket juga udah ga ada di deket gue lagi, dan satu lagi nasehat serupa "Kehidupan itu baru di mulai saat kalian udah berkeluarga." Dan saat itu, gue melamun, mikir dan lagi-lagi, nunggu. 

Kira-kira apa lagi? 

Kemudian gue mulai mikir tentang timeline kehidupan. Bener, di mulai dari masa gue anak-anak dan everythings seems so perfect for me. Lambat laun gue mulai ngerti, ternyata bukan karena dulu hidup gue seperfect itu dan se gak ada masalah itu, tapi dulu gue belom punya kesadaran. Bener, gue cuma anak-anak, semua nasehat itu terlempar karena mereka tau gue masih jauh dari garis itu. Dan perlahan mereka ngasih gue peringatan, dan ternyata tiap harinya tanpa gue sadari gue makin deket, makin deket, makin deket lagi, gue yang tadinya seorang anak, lalu gue puber dan jadi remaja, mulai jadi masyarakat labil yang sok dewasa dan cuma bisa komentar ini itu, dan gak di gubris. 

Sampe akhirnya gue berada di tahap satu, kuliah, masa dimana lo mulai di lepasin sama orang tua lo, sedikit, sedikit, sedikit... Walau masih banyak banget larangan, ntah gimana pelan-pelan makin dingertiin, di percayain, udah sulit dilarang... Dan akhirnya gue lulus dari dunia perkuliahan. Dan ngeliat satu persatu temen gue juga lulus.

"Welcome to the land of the real life" Aku selalu bilang gitu ke mereka yang lulus. Ternyata bener, saat kita lulus, saat itu juga tanggung jawab kita terhadap diri sendiri itu ada. Yap, walau gue sendiri sebenernya udah menyandang gelar S1, kaya yang bisa di baca-baca gue belom meniti titip tersebut, gue masih jadi pengemis intelek, S1 gue ga guna kalo belom berubah jadi gelar dr. dan semakin kesini semakin ngerasain betapa bolong-bolongnya idup gue. yang tadinya mulus kaya pantat bayi sekarang berbulu tebel dan ganggu. 

Lalu gue mikir, gue harusnya bersyukur, saat ini gue gini, dan gue yakin selanjutnya bakal jauh lebih ribet lagi. apa lagi nanti, saat gue kerja, saat gue berkeluarga dan beranak. berat. iya berat. tapi mau gimana. waktu gak akan berenti walau jam mati sekalipun. matahari tetep muter walau bintang ga bergerak. 

Makin lama makin berat, makin gak jelas cobaannya. 

HOW WELL DO YOU KNOW ME?

Now I’m picturing the man of my dream. I can’t tell you how does he look, But I can tell you what kind of person he is. He is a kind and warmth hearted person. His warm brown eyes now is right in front of me. I couldn’t tell you how does it feel, But I’m gonna describe it to you, it feels like having the ticket to your favorite singer concert, but it’s also feel like watching a romance movie where you favourite character having a car accident and almost died, what I’m gonna tell you is, in my heart now is a total chaos, the last several month I was wondering if I could let him go, if I can be with other person without a day thinking of him. And now here I am, under the sun light, hearing sound of the wave, with him, looking at me in the eye and smiling.

The smile he always have when I’m arround him is my favourite, when he smile, It’s feel like I can see my reflection on his eye. But the smile he fake when we arrived at my home, (which is mean the time we separated) , it’s torn me apart.

I want to love someone, like shizuka, she love nobita cause she knows nobita need her, in every single day, he need her. And I want to be like her, cause in my mind, loving someone that way make me feel like There’s always a reason to loving him and always be with him, so that this love will always grow no matter what.

And this boy told me, that me and him is exactly like shizuka and nobita. No matter what happend, they belong to each other. I don’t know how, but I really like him. He really is the man of my dream.

“ He is the one.” I whispering to my own self, he caught me smiling, and he smile too. 

She was tired,

Through all the tired work she have in a tough day,

But she freakily miss you, 

So she stay awake, to call you
to talk to you
but you don't listen
But she keeps calling you

Just to hear your breathe through her nite

Pilih mantan atau yang baru?

Well, I'm so sorry for a controversial tittle I choose, but I mean this, this actually a super good question. And the answer?

D E P E N D S

M E D I C A L L E A

Amazing stories of my medical lyf