The Butterfly effect

The butterfly effect adalah istilah dari 'chaos teory' yang menyatakan bahwa kepakan sayap kupu-kupu di hutan belantara Brazil secara teoritis dapat menyebabkan tornado di Texas beberapa bulan kemudian. Lalu apa hubungannya kepakan sayap kupu-kupu yang sangat kecil tersebut dengan tornado? 

Well, kalo mau dibahas secara teoritis pembahasannya adalah menyebabkan perubahan-perubahan sangat kecil dalam atmosfir bumi yang akhirnya mengubah jalur angin ribut (tornado) atau menunda, mempercepat bahkan mencegah terjadinya tornado di tempat lain. Kepakan sayap ini merujuk kepada perubahan kecil dari kondisi awal suatu sistem, yang mengakibatkan rantaian peristiwa menuju kepada perubahan skala besar (bandingkan: "efek domino" atau domino effect). Jikalau kupu-kupu itu tidak mengepakkan sayapnya, trayektori sistem tersebut akan berbeda jauh.

So let's start my story, the story begin when someone told me to watch a movie, and the tittle is 'The butterfly effect'. First impression dari judulnya adalah "pasti berat deh filmnya" karena pada kehidupan nyata the butterfly effect terdengar seperti suatu teori yang berat (cause I have a small brain perhaps, LOL)  . Film ini keluaran 2004 dapet rating 7.7/10 di IMDB dan my rating 8.5/10 lah. Nggak bermaksud jadi pengomentar film tapi seenggaknya bagi aku film ini recommended to watch lah, suka sama jalan ceritanya karena aku juga tertarik dengan masalah kejiwaan. 

Yang diceritakan di film ini adalah seorang anak bernama Evan yang pada masa kecilnya sering mengalami 'Black out' (Kehilangan kesadaran, suatu keadaan dimana seseorang seperti mendadak bangun dan lupa beberapa saat terakhir yang baru di lakukannya). Evan merupakan keturunan seseorang yang menderita scizoprenia (gangguan jiwa), namun ia didiagnosis tidak menderita penyakit tersebut. Saat Evan sudah beranjak dewasa, kenangan saat ia masih kecil kembali menghantuinya, dan ntah bagaimana Evan dapat menjelajahi waktu dan kembali ke masa dimana ia mengalami black out dan merubah apa yang terjadi. Dengan dilakukannya hal tersebut maka ia dapat merubah masa depannya secara drastis. 

And it's inspire me, maybe I made mistakes, but I won't regret it. 

Just because you know the past doesn't mean you can change the future.

our saturday

For some people maybe Saturday is just a day. One of those weekend days which means nothing for them, and so for me, a few months ago. I always start my day with a smile, and new spirit everyday, I believe everyday is the same, I can have a date everyday, I can study, I can messing around with my friend, going everywhere and anywhere, there's no weekend or weekdays everyday is just an ordinary day.
'till I met a boy, And he told me, "let's make every Saturday is ours."and so that's it. My Saturday turn into 'our Saturday'. what are those Saturday means to me? Happiness. All I know 'bout those Saturday is just happiness. I smile just imagining how those every Saturday might be happen. I was so happy till I forgot those happiness always comes within the sadness.
And it's really happening. Those pretty 'our Saturday' finally over. I used know everyday is still the same, but you make my Saturday never feel the same. And I want it more. And I want you more.
I know I have left, but you know I didn't mean to.
If you wondering if I'm happy now?
All I know id I never be as happy as when we had Our Saturday.

Unless

It's 3 am now

I started to re-questioning everything,

Is love real?

Is it made or grow by time when people just being together?

Why am I keep falling in love in the wrong place?

Why do I keep failing over and over

Is there something wrong with me?

or Is it me who asked to much?

I can't keep him for years.

I love him, very much

but I don't know if he does

and now what?

what if I miss him
what if I love him too much

"Have you tell him?"

I just answer her question with a fake smile

"Really? Hey, he is your boyfriend, he has to know what you feel. And actually It's not really hard to speak to your own boyfriend? Aren't you tired being like this? For God sake if you feel somethings wrong in your relationship just ask him."

"Well, actually, I already asked him last night."

"And...?"

"It's just me. It's just me who imagining everything, he's fine, totally fine. Well maybe it's just his character, and it's mean that I'm the one who should adapt."

"And so what makes you feel upset right now?"

"Well, he mad at me now... Cause I questioning things that he didn't feel at all, he's mad at me. He said, so there's something wrong in this relationship that makes me feel uncomfortable. He said...."

"And now you feel guilty? You think this is your fault and you shouldn't feel like that on the first time?"

Tears started running down my cheeks. I can't answer her anymore.

"Why you have to feel guilty when you actually do nothing wrong? You really good at speaking in public but why do you always lose when you meet someone close to you? "

"I should understand him better."

"Hey, sometimes, you don't need to look from the other side, you must care about your feeling more than you care about others. You really don't need to be this good to everyone. It's him who didn't try to understand you. You've try so hard. Isn't this his turn?"

"You know I can't be mad, I can't hardly tell him this is his fault."

"Why?"

"Cause It will hurt him, cause he will remember it, the words I use to talk to him it will lingering in his head and I won't it. I know it's really feel bad when someone mad at you, even if you're already make up, there will be something left there, something that already break your heart, even it's not torn it apart."

"If one day someone stole something from you and they told you why, will you understand them?"

"Maybe...."

"Stop being so kind to everyone."

"Not everyone, just people I care about.."

"Hey, just remember, somehow, if you don't put your self for your priorities, How can people will?"

First Fight

"So what do I did wrong?" He asked.

She rolled her eyes "Really? are you really going to ask that kind of question?!" She whisper to her own self, she started to remember what happen with them, she remember how she left a sleep-message  to him just because she didn't want him to be worry if she didn't reply that night, but in the morning when she wake up, she didn't see any message from him, not even one, "It's okay, maybe he's too busy to read my message, I'm sure he gonna explain it when he reply." She wait and wait and she got his message, "Finally!" -Good morning babe, I'm sorry I didn't text you yesterday, I don't even open my phone. "That's it? really?". She remember the night before it's happen he already told her that his going to be busy and maybe he will reply her message late, she try to understand but she can't handle that. And now he ask her what did he do and she really have no words to answer his question. But suddenly her tears falling down through her cheeks... 

"I'm sorry."

"I know I shouldn't be like this, I know I should understand you better. I know... I'm sorry... Maybe I just miss you too much and It's make me mad cause I can't see you.. I'm sorry... I know I should be the one who would be there when you feel so tired, not the one who mad when you're tired. I'm really sorry... "

"Do you still love him?" 

All of my old friend met me me and questioning this question. Well, actually I'm not so confused why do they keep asking me this kind of question. But I keep can't answering the question lately. 'till yesterday. I see him, I see how happy he is now, I see his girl now is the girl who I ain't be, I suddenly know he doesn't need me, I suddenly know I'm not the girl who he wants to be with. And it's wake me up, no more doubt, I still care about him, but I don't want to be with him, I just want him to be happy, and now he does. 

And Now, I have someone I want to be with , the one who can take me as I am, the one who need me, the one I really love and care about. I don't know how I fall in love with this man, but I know I do love him, much, so much, I like the way he treat me, I like the way he calm me down when I got mad, I Like how he say sorry even when he didn't make any mistakes. I love him in every way he did, maybe sometimes I ask for something more, but somehow I know I already have more than anything I ever need.

So if they ask again "Do you still love Him?", I will be proudly and answer "No, I Love Him"

I miss you.

A lot.

People may see me so fine,

But I don’t.

I miss you.

Everytime I close my eyes,

Someone pop out of my mind,

It’s you.

I started picturing you in my mind.

“I miss you”

I don’t know why but that words keep coming out my mouth
with all this tears falling down through my cheeks

Over and over again

All the simple thing around me remind me of you.

And It’s hurt.

It’s hurt to know the fact.

When the fact is you really leave.

You left me with no choice, no trace,

And no clue.

I don’t know what to do.

I just keep missing you over and over.

My logic won’t help my anymore.

People keep saying  "let go",

But I know if they were me,

They won’t.

I miss you. 

I'm looking at his brown small eyes when he pull me close to him, he hold me.
And I hold my breathe.
And then I'm holding him back.
And I smile, I don't know why, but I'm smiling.

I can feel his warm heart.
And I started to crying.
It's feels like something inside me saying
"Please, stay, and never let go."

He's not going anywhere, He told me he will stay.
but at the day when the sun didn't shine,
when the rain begin to fall,
I was all alone.

I know times flies, and things changes
But I still believe what meant to be always find a way.

She get out of his car with tears in her eyes, she wipe it over and over but her tear never stop falling. 

"What would I do now?" She wonder why she ask him to drop her at her campus when she actually know all her friends are home. She doesn't stop walking, but she don't know where to go. She push some number on her phone and call it. 

Tears can't stop falling through her face all the way home, she felt empty. She have no Idea what will happen to her life. After all the fight she has been through, she never been this blind. "I wish I could change my self. I wish I could be the best." She's hurt, so deep.

She get in to her room And continue crying. All by her self. She call all her friend but no one answer. Her brain is burning just simply because She's too fall in love. 

The reason why I like him

Summer 2016

“I can’t be like this.”

“Why? You didn't do anything wrong.”

“Cause I can’t, cause you guys still blame me.”

“Hey, move on, it’s not he didn’t like you, but he like you much, so much, but you don’t like him, so he move.”

“But…”

“Are you in love?”

“ I just….”

“Seriously, what a great deal about that boy…You don’t even know him much”

I can’t answer her anymore, I get in to my own room, leaving her and our un-end-ed conversation. I turn off the light and lay on my bed. “She’s right… I don't know much about him… I just met him twice, but that’s tells me enough that he is a warm-hearted man. I can feel it. Maybe people think he’s not my type, but I know he actually does. I can see that he raised in such a really good family, filled with kindness and Love, then build him into such a great character. His character is actually the character I always wish to be the main character in my story. I like him much. I don’t know why but I do. I love the way he talk to me , I love the way he look in to my eyes, I’m too shy to stare at him while he’s staring at me, but I always do when he’s not. He hasn’t touch me, but I know his hug will be the warmest hug I ever know. There’s something about him. I never felt this way before, feeling so sure about someone just by met him twice. ”

FRIEND ZONE

Banyak orang beranggepan sahabatan cewek sama cowok itu indah, nyaman, cocok, dan masih banyak kata-kata yang orang gunain untuk menggambarkan 'kedekatan' mereka.

Kenyataannya, psikologi membuktikan kalo cewek sm cowok itu ga akan bener-bener murni sahabatan dalam jangka waktu lama. One of them bakal jatuh cinta sm yang lainnya tanpa disadari, kalau mereka beruntung maka dua-duanya bakal jatuh cinta.

Tapi kondisi dimana salah satu jatuh cinta inilah yg sering di sebut friendzone, terlalu nyaman deket dengen sahabatnya. Dan yang memperburuk keadaan, si temen yang di jatuhin cinta(?) ini, tau galo lawan jenisnya jatuh cinta sama dia tapi dia malah memanfaatkan keadaan, gak buka mata dan nggak ngejauh juga.

Well, aku gak membenarkan untuk ngejauh juga si sebenernya, tapi, penjelasan. Ya, mau gimanapun keadaanya sebenernya semua orang itu perlu suatu penjelasan, jadi orang itu bisa berfikir apa dia harus stay or leave.

The point is, when you love someone, you should let them know. 

If you don't you should tell them too, Loud and clear. 

If you want to be just friend, let them know. 

Terkadang orang takut untuk bersikap jahat sama orang lain, tapi disisilain mereka gak sadar degan sikap yang terlalu baik bahkan bisa nyakitin orang lain Lebih kejam dari pada langsung jahat sekalian. 

Well, friendzone juga sebenernya gak akan kejadian kalo pihaknya nggak terlalu mudah baper. Tapi soal perasaan siapa sih yang bisa ngatur.
Dan, Jatuh cinta sama temen itu gak semudah itu. Perasaan sayang sama temen sama cara padang kepada lawan jenis itu cenderung beda. The thing is... When you care too much about a person sometimes makes you feel hurt whenever they feel sad. And sometimes you feel like you don't want to lose them, that's why you feel so insecure when (s)he's not around you and that feeling will make you realize you really are falling in love with your best friend.

Nobody want to stuck in the friend zone, when you fall in love, tell 'em. The worst thing of tell the truth that you're falling in love with them is you get denied, The worst thing of never tell what you really felt is, Regret. And trust me it will hurt you muchmuchmuch more than get denied.

Hardest Goodbye

*A Year ago*

"Do you really have to go now?" He stare at her with a broken smile.

She hold her smile, take his hand said "You know it's already late."

"Will we meet tomorrow?"

"My day is all yours, Okay? I gotta go now. See you."

She left with a smile on her cheeks, she's really hurt when she look in to his eyes, but she really has to go, even if it's the hardest goodbye she ever known. 

Yeah, she believe that was the hardest goodbye can happen to her. 

Until today...

"I gotta go now." She smile to him and packed her things

"Okay, see you soon." He stare at her and reply her smile, watching her open up the door and leaving him, just like that. 

She walk slowly to her home, hoping the boy she left behind will call her name, but he don't. 

So she get in to her room, sitting there in the corner and whispering to her self, "So this is it? Hardest goodbye? It's not about how I couldn't let you go,But 'bout how I let you go so easily, as if there's nothing between us. Why do we really need to act as if we're just friend? You know we never be friends. "

AGAIN?!

Beberapa bulan lalu, dalam suatu pelatihan yang aku ikutin, katanya dalam hidup ini ada yang namanya Fraktan, Atau pola berulang dalam kehidupan. 

Jadi Orang didunia ini cenderung mengalami hal yang sama berulang-ulang kali, dan pola ini ga akan berakhir kecuali mata rantainya di putus.

Well, Aku dulu sadar, dalam hidup ini kita akan cenderung naksir / suka dengan orang yang sejenis, dan ketika kita bertemu dengan seseorang yang berbeda, orang inilah yang akan membuat kita bertahan. 

So, in my mind, perubahan dalam diri kita itu akan terjadi dengan sendirinya. Dan ternyata Nggak. 

Pola berulang itu emang bener adanya, kaya cewek yang cenderung terus-terusan ketemu playboy, atau sebaliknya (playboy yang bisa terus-terusan ketemu korban). pelatihan itu ngasih tau aku cara menghentikan mata rantai dari Fraktan itu sendiri, adalah 'take a lesson to learn' Jadi, as long as kita gak sadar sama apa yang kejadian, semuanya bakal terus kejadian berulang-ulang kali, over and over again. 

In my life, the pattern is really happened.  Falling in love, so in love, losing them, found somebody new and they coming back. Always. I don't know How. I always ended regretting the choice that I made before. Always turning back and keep repeating the same mistake. 

And this time I realise, No more fear, no more insecure. when you sure about something, you have to be sure 100%. when you already made a mistake, and you regret it, you really really have to take a lesson to learn.  

Tapi, orang-orang mungkin mikir, kalo orang yang melakukan kesalahan yang sama itu orang paling bodoh, menurut aku, bukan bodoh, tapi kurang berfikir. Karena saat kita berada di suatu posisi, yang sebenarnya mungkin udah pernah kita alami, sometimes kita melupakan kalo kita pernah melakukan suatu kesalahan, dan dengan polosnya dengan menggunakan polapikir seperti yang sebelumnya membuat suatu keputusan, jadi keputusan yang terbentuk sama kayak keputusan yang sebelumnya, which is making that mistake(s) (again). 

A couple month ago I was hoping if I could turn back time, and I don't know how but it's happened , Well, in a little different way. But the thing is... I have to make a choice, So I think hard... And I made my choice. And I'm hoping that this time, I'm not gonna get those pattern anymore.

Man of my dream

The man of my dream is the man who I love the most, and love me the most. 

His smile is my sunlight, He might not that charming, but his the best for me.

The love we build since we’re child is always getting bigger everytime I looked to his eye.

He hold my hand tight, take his breathe and smile, the brightest smile I ever see.

The first time I met him, I know he love me, he stare at me all day with that pretty eye, my favorite brown eyes. But I don’t care, I don’t like him, I have no reason to like him.

The man of my dream is the one who wear shirt and shoes at our first date, and tell me he want to see me without those make up. 

So we set up another date, an unusual date, we do sport, Tshirt and shorts ,a single ponytail, and without make up, 

but he tell me, ‘you always be better off this way’ with those lovely smile.

I love him, in everyway he did I love him, 

he ever did disappoint me, once, twice but I don’t care, cause I did too. 

I make a stupid mistakes, not once , even when I know that I was wrong, I did it again, I let him down, but he’s not give up on me.

He really is the man of my dream, the man who I really want to reach, the man who has anything and everything I need. The man who should stand right beside me through thick and thin, better or worse.

And now I opened my eyes, I see a man with a smile, hugging me gently and saying “good morning, darling.” And I smile too. But then I realize his not the man of my dream.

Because the man of my dream, disappear when I wake up.

Final Descision

            She press the plus button on her headphone ‘till reaching the maximum volume, Voltures-John Mayer, suddenly she’s smiling, she remember someone, someone who love this song much. Then she realise this guy hasn’t replying her messages, she opened their chatroom and she’s wondering what is the next topic this guy will choose, cause their chat actually never ending, last time it’s 3 weeks non-stop-chat. But somehow she knows, sooner or later their chat will be end soon. She  take a deep breathe and the smile before is already fade away. “Well, I gotta let go.” She’s whispering to her own self.

 “ I have an exam tomorrow so I need to forget this stupid love shit and focus on studying. ”

She open her book and read all the words there carefully. But, then she stop. Her thought fly trought something. She can feel that her eyes already wet, she take another deep breathe, deep heavy breathe. She’s wondering about a year ago, this guy was nothing to her, just her ex. That’s it. Well, now it’s kinda hard and hurt to explain. If She had to write a book, she’ll write about him, how he come and gone how he being so important and being no one in her live. Yeah, that’s what he done. She know him almost for my whole life time, elementary school, 4th grade, She's too young to falling in love, but She knows She does.

For the very second baby I already know, I’ll end up head over heel in love with you.. Turns out I’m right. kryptonite- Guy Sebastian suddenly played . She close her eyes and think, “is he love me?”. Now she know, how does it feel when brain lossing it’s function because heart started to work. When people said ‘leave’ but heart still ignoring it. He’s coming back a year ago, telling her that she actually never leave his mind, even only with a word, she believe it. She’s seeing something in his words, that’s not a pretty word he choose, but it’s feels like she know that he’s sincere. So they meet a couple times before the distance take them apart, This boy is leaving the hometown due to schoolarship he got. At first, She doesn’t care about distance, but somehoe something suddenly killing her, not the distance, Timing.

The timing is really not for her. She’s close to some-other-man with different character, in fact, the on she love is just this one. because of that damn timing, she took a wrong step and left him, the one she’s really love. But deep down Inside, everynight after that wrong step she’s really regreting her step. “I Should’ve wait longer, I took a wrong step.”

She finally realize, it’s not something about always be with him, but let him be happy with or without her is the goal of falling in love. But he never answer the question about his happiness, he always said that he shouldn’t have to tell her cause she is already know, but she don’t know. And it’s killing her.

So finally she’s walk away. She’s hoping for his happiness. All she know is, if he’s not happy, he’ll come to her, but he need to tell her, that he’s not happy.

S I N G L E

December 2015,

Udah sering banget denger kata single, complicated and in a relationship. 

Well, buat kali ini aku tertarik untuk bahas hal dari sisi seorang yang punya relationship status 'SINGLE'. 

Aku, iya aku, udah hampir setahun menyandang status single, It's not a big deal actually. Cuma inget waktu aku ada pacar gimana aku rindu sama rasanya single itu sendiri. Well aku inget terakhir aku pacaran hampir dua tahun.

First 6 month it was so sweet and lovely and everything was pretty

The next six month It still lovely even sometimes we had a big fight and sometimes it's physically hurt me.

The other six month, I feel like, I miss being single, But I don't know what will I be without him. I always be with him, all day, all time. All I know is just me and him. 

and the rest It's hard to explain, Well perhaps this is the real reason why I broke up last time, before, I don't wanna tell anyone except my best friend 'bout this, but I guess I'm ready Now. 

That time, I feel like, I do love him, I'm really proud about my relationship that time. I told my friend that 'Hey guys, I almost had my 2nd year anniversary and it's very nice, I love this relationship.' But things comes to my mind and I was like... I don't know.. I want to feel free... I want to know what would I be without him... Then I was busy, I join an organisation that make me not always with him anymore, I spend more time with my best friend and I was feel like, It better of this way. Then I thought why am I feel happier when I'm with my friend than when I'm with him. and that make me realize, that was the right time to let him go. 

After that time I got my 'single status' till now on. I don't know why But I just feel that 'single status' in the last two weeks. 

In this time what I know is being single wasn't that simple. Especially when you're on your holiday with no trip Just like me this time. I feel that. Lonely. 

Sometimes before I sleep I just think about things that I shouldn't done, feels like I'm regreting something. 

And single make a great oportunity to missing someone. 

When you miss someone, you gotta remember every single pretty shit about that guy, and you gotta regret it.

In my single time, I meet a bunch kind of boy, sweet, freak, arrogant, and even the one who I thought the best for me,

Single is a right situation to think about what kind of man and relationship you really want
Single bring you into the thought about the reason why your previous relationship didn't work out.

It's not a bad thing to being single, but it's not that simple. 

Deep Inside

"What's on your mind?"
"I don't know, I miss him much."
"Him?"
"Him," a teardrop finally wet her fair skin. "He's the one who told me what love is."
"So where is now, If he really love you, he should be here right Now."
She bite her lip, controls her breathe, hold her tear and said, "He is happy Now."
"You have to win him back."
"And ruin his life?"
"..."
" I told you, he taught me what love is, watching his happiness now is make me feel better of this way. And also If he really is the one, we're gonna meet again eventually."
"Are you sure he's happy now?"
"..."
"I know, deep down inside your heart you know he's not that happy, I know, deep down inside you want to get close to him once again, I know deep inside you feel like you both are really mean to be each other. So, Go on, Fight for him, And get him."
"Why? I Though you want me to move on, and be with you?"
"Cause you tell me, Deep Inside, I just want you to be happy."

Boxes

If this world is a world of boxes that filled with people in it.

You and I will be in the different box, different size, different colour, we're different in every side that we have. 

But I have hope. 

I hope that both of us will leave our box, and meet outside the box, I hope we meet in the middle of this world, building our new own box, even if I actually really love my box. 

But I want to stay with you. 

So I step out of my box, and waiting you there, at the place I thought was 'Our place', but you're not coming. Perhaps you really want to see me, but you want me to come to your box and join you, at the place where I really don't belong. 

So I just wait, cause I thought you're gonna change you're mind. 

Unfortunately, while I'm waiting for you, someone passing by, Take my hand and saying "let's go back to your box, the place where you're fit in." But I can't just leave like that, so I stand still.

But I realise you really don't want to step outside your box. 

Perhaps it's time for me to give up, even I know I should wait longer. But I want to leave. 

Have you ever felt that? Home. I thought home was a place, or a situation. But now I just get it. Home can be everything, a place, a situation, a group and even a person. Home is something you'll never forget. Even if you don't feel like you miss it, but actually, you do. 

And when you feel home, it seems like you can't find something better than your home.

Even if your home already have something much better than you.

MOVE ON?

"Move on itu artinya lanjutkan, ya tinggal kalian mau pilih lanjutin perasaannya atau hidupnya? Atau kalian mau Move Away, yang berarti pergi dan menjauh. Hidup ini kalian yang nentuin."

"Butuh sedikit rasa benci untuk move on dari seseorang"

"Tapi kadang, kangen itu pasti ada tapi kita yang nentuin, rasa kangen itu sama orangnya atau memorinya."

"Rasa sayang itu ga bisa di cegah, move on juga ga bisa di paksa, yang penting itu ikhlas!"

"Liat doi Bahagia itu, rasanya lega aja, berarti dia lepasin aku ga sia-sia. Tapi kalo dia sampe cari aku lagi, itu yang bikin aku ga bisa move on?"

"Gimana aku bisa suka sama orang lain kalo aku masih terus-terusan di bayangin sm dia?"

Human.

Human Love Before Hurt

Human Fight Before Give Up

Human Stay Before Leave

Human Fall Before Standstill

Human waits but not forever.

If you want people to stay,

Don't Leave

If you want people to Love,

Don't Hurt

If you want people to never give up,

Fight.

People need to start with their self before asking for someone else.

But that's what Human done, Never statisfied .