It's not a heartache
It's just a post trauma
You just think you have it,
But you don't
So you can't over it.

Thank you for letting me understand
Through all the darkest days I always had lately
Thank you for bringing back the light 
I was the one who turn off the light,
And you're the reason why
But You're the one who give me the flashlight

I hate when my self start to hating someone
It hurts me.
Hatred
I'm afraid.

Skripsweet/Skripshit

H E L L O!!!!

I'm so tired of this things!

I feel like I'm kinda tired of my life

I know, this feeling is so sucks

I shouldn't feel this way. 

The thing is...

I really loss my faith

I don't want to be a doctor, 

I don't know what will I do If I be a doctor

You know, I just get it now,

I just get it why they keep screaming don't do what you don't want to do

This is killing me

But I can't quit

May be I'm not close to the exit door, but the entrance door is closed, 

No turning back, I just gonna keep walking in the same path.

I get in to that point right now
The point that always make collage student feel doom
Skripsweet/Skripshit/Thesis
Whatever it called.
I'm not ready. Really not ready.

I miss you...
She write those words in a piece of paper
She got nothing on her mind
Her un-peaceful mind
But she just keep writing it over and over again
She letting him go
She don't know why
She always want him to stay.
She don't know where to go
or even what to do.
She just sit there and staring.
She staring to her past, her mistake.
She has one serious problem
She blame her self for everything happen
She cry, every night.
She think of him
She want to move on or move away
but none of that happen
And he don't care.

Well, Let me tell you about something happens in my life. 

Let me tell you about a girl, she used to be one of topics in my blog.

I really don't know what to said

I think...

I'm just amazed with this girl

I used to hate her, Really hate her. 

I hate her because she is my (ex)Boyfriend's ex

Well, I guess I have no point about that (anymore)

I used to always read what she wrote,

All the things about that boy. 

Then today, I just read it again.
And I really like the way she see it, 
I really like the way she see what is love 

I don't know what to say, 
But I just want to be friend with her
Cause I know she is a good girl

The girl who can see it the way no body can see it. 

P.s: Maybe one day you will see this, I really don't know why I want to write this, but really girl, You're amazing!

Tentang Kamu

Aku tidak akan menangis karena sesuatu telah berakhir, tapi aku akan tersenyum karena sesuatu itu pernah terjadi

-Sri Ningsih-

Mungkin kalimat itu adalah kalimat yang paling mudah di ingat dan berarti dari buku ini. Buku ini menceritakan tentang seseorang dengan karakter yang sangat ajaib. menunjukan tentang adanya kekuatan akan kesederhanaan. Menggambarkan sebuah pemikiran yang kompleks dengan gambaran yang sangat sederhana.

Zaman Zulkarnaen, tokoh utama dalam novel, seorang pegawai firma hukum Thomson &Co.. Aku bukan orang dengan latar belakang dunia hukum, kenyataannya aku tidak pernah mengerti tentang dunia Hukum, tapi novel ini menggambarkan keadaan dengan jelas dan membuat pembaca sangat mendalami dan seolah mengerti konflik yang terjadi. In simple word aku yang tadinya nggak tau kerjaan pengacara, apa itu firma hukum dan apa yang mereka lakuin mendadak seolah-olah mengerti dan bisa bisanya terpancing emosi dalam mbaca buku ini.

Novel ini menceritakan tentang tokoh yang telah meninggal dunia, Sri Ningsih, ia lah pemilik karakter yang bersahaja, karakternya akan membuat semua orang berdecak kagum. Entah bagaimana novel ini bisa menjadikan orang yang tidak ada (sudah meninggal) menjadi suatu center focus pada novel ini.

Alur yang di pilih adalah alur maju mundur, Zaman mencari tahu tentang kehidupan Sri ningsih yang telah meninggal dengan modal pengetahuan tempat Sri meninggal, yaitu Panti Jompo di dekat menara Eifel. Tidak hanya menyusul ke paris, Zaman juga mengejar masalalu Sri hingga negeri asal mereka (Sri dan Zaman berasal dari negara yang sama) Indonesia.

One day

"Whatever Happens Tomorrow, We've had Today"

IMDB : 7,9/10

Rotten Tomatoes  : -

"I wish for one day to be with her" Kurang lebih itu kalimat yang di katakan oleh denchai(tapi dalam bahasa thailand) saat ia membunyikan bel yang dikatakan orang dapat mewujudkan harapan. Denchai adalah seorang pegawai bagian IT di kantornya, yang menyebut dirinya 'Invisible man'. Ia merasa ia tidak pernah memiliki seorangpun yang dapat menghargainya atau mencintainya dengan dirinya. Hingga ia bertemu dengan Nui, seorang gadis cantik dengan penuh keceriaan dan semangat, bersikap baik pada seluruh orang disekitarnya termasuk denchai. 

Dalam hitungan hari Denchai langsung berubah menjadi penggemar terberat Nui. Dengan dirinya yang merupakan orang dibelakang layar atau invisible man, Tentunya Denchai tidak dapat dengan leluasa menunjukan rasa cintanya kepada Nui. Dan Nui diketahui memiliki hubungan spesial dengan bos mereka yang tampan dan romantis, tentunya hal ini merusak kepercayaan diri denchai.

Hingga saat setelah denchai membunyikan lonceng tersebut. Keajaiban terjadi, Nui dan Denchai menjalani hari yang indah. 

Film ini di recommendasikan oleh orang yang mengaku 'stranger' dalam hidup aku, who make me think this movie is about someone 'one day' mungkin bisa sama orang yang dia udah lama kagumi. Ternyata makna one day di film ini adalah satu hari, bukan suatu hari. Get it?!

Meskipun ceritanya terkesan picisan, tapi film dengan genre drama ini punya beberapa kejutan yang menyenangkan dan membuat kesal. Ending dari film ini juga nggak terkesan picisan, menyebalkan tapi nggak ketebak. 

This movie nggak wajib nonton tapi recommend to watch lah, My rate : 3,89 / 5 lah 

Society Judgement

Orang-orang sering sekali menyatakan tentang hal-hal yang mereka sering sebut 'jaga image', dimana mereka bakal melakukan hal-hal yang menurut mereka tidak memalukan dan tidak akan menimbulkan society judge, bahkan ada beberapa orang yang sering melakukan sesuatu yang disebut pencitraan demi menjaga image mereka ini. Tapi, apa yang sebenernya di maksud dengan image itu sendiri? Secara Harafiah, image artinya adalah 'gambar',  nah image yang kali ini dibahas adalah gambaran penilaian dunia terhadap seseorang.

In real life, society label you, whoever you are, whatever you do. Basic Bitch, Stupid Whore, Playboy, weird, nerd, dump-ass, most of them is the bad-shit about you. As I told you, society judge.

Tapi apa hal-hal yang mendasari semua label tersebut? Banyak hal. Mulai dari latar belakang keluarga, latar belakang pertemanan, love life, cara jalan, cara ngomong, cara berpakaian, everylittle thing in you life will bring you on a judgement

Berdasarkan pertemanan bakal , orang yang nggak punya temen bakal di anggap ansos, cupu, culun, kuper, udik dan banyak hal buruk lainnya. Sedangkan orang yang punya banyak temen disana-sini dianggap sosialita, caper dan nggak setia kawan. Dan jika kita punya temen yang itu-itu aja, sebut aja sebuah grup/ geng/ gerombolan yang nggak berniat mecah dan bergabung dengan yang lain akan menyebabkan kita disebut picky friend. Isn't it hurt we can't do anything without receiving any bad judgement? Faktanya adalah dalam suatu lingkup orang bisa cenderung menjadi penyendiri karena mereka tidak menemukan teman yang benar-benar mengerti kondisinya, lalu saat ia sudah menemukan temannya ia bakal terus-terus bersama dengan temannya karena itu adalah comfort zone yang telah ia temukan, dan apakah saat kira udah bertemu comfort zone kita, kita nggak boleh berusaha menexpand zona itu? Well, that's the point, right or wrong is only based on what point of view are we gonna take. None of people is totally wrong, or totally right.

The Butterfly effect

The butterfly effect adalah istilah dari 'chaos teory' yang menyatakan bahwa kepakan sayap kupu-kupu di hutan belantara Brazil secara teoritis dapat menyebabkan tornado di Texas beberapa bulan kemudian. Lalu apa hubungannya kepakan sayap kupu-kupu yang sangat kecil tersebut dengan tornado? 

Well, kalo mau dibahas secara teoritis pembahasannya adalah menyebabkan perubahan-perubahan sangat kecil dalam atmosfir bumi yang akhirnya mengubah jalur angin ribut (tornado) atau menunda, mempercepat bahkan mencegah terjadinya tornado di tempat lain. Kepakan sayap ini merujuk kepada perubahan kecil dari kondisi awal suatu sistem, yang mengakibatkan rantaian peristiwa menuju kepada perubahan skala besar (bandingkan: "efek domino" atau domino effect). Jikalau kupu-kupu itu tidak mengepakkan sayapnya, trayektori sistem tersebut akan berbeda jauh.

So let's start my story, the story begin when someone told me to watch a movie, and the tittle is 'The butterfly effect'. First impression dari judulnya adalah "pasti berat deh filmnya" karena pada kehidupan nyata the butterfly effect terdengar seperti suatu teori yang berat (cause I have a small brain perhaps, LOL)  . Film ini keluaran 2004 dapet rating 7.7/10 di IMDB dan my rating 8.5/10 lah. Nggak bermaksud jadi pengomentar film tapi seenggaknya bagi aku film ini recommended to watch lah, suka sama jalan ceritanya karena aku juga tertarik dengan masalah kejiwaan. 

Yang diceritakan di film ini adalah seorang anak bernama Evan yang pada masa kecilnya sering mengalami 'Black out' (Kehilangan kesadaran, suatu keadaan dimana seseorang seperti mendadak bangun dan lupa beberapa saat terakhir yang baru di lakukannya). Evan merupakan keturunan seseorang yang menderita scizoprenia (gangguan jiwa), namun ia didiagnosis tidak menderita penyakit tersebut. Saat Evan sudah beranjak dewasa, kenangan saat ia masih kecil kembali menghantuinya, dan ntah bagaimana Evan dapat menjelajahi waktu dan kembali ke masa dimana ia mengalami black out dan merubah apa yang terjadi. Dengan dilakukannya hal tersebut maka ia dapat merubah masa depannya secara drastis. 

And it's inspire me, maybe I made mistakes, but I won't regret it. 

Just because you know the past doesn't mean you can change the future.

our saturday

For some people maybe Saturday is just a day. One of those weekend days which means nothing for them, and so for me, a few months ago. I always start my day with a smile, and new spirit everyday, I believe everyday is the same, I can have a date everyday, I can study, I can messing around with my friend, going everywhere and anywhere, there's no weekend or weekdays everyday is just an ordinary day.
'till I met a boy, And he told me, "let's make every Saturday is ours."and so that's it. My Saturday turn into 'our Saturday'. what are those Saturday means to me? Happiness. All I know 'bout those Saturday is just happiness. I smile just imagining how those every Saturday might be happen. I was so happy till I forgot those happiness always comes within the sadness.
And it's really happening. Those pretty 'our Saturday' finally over. I used know everyday is still the same, but you make my Saturday never feel the same. And I want it more. And I want you more.
I know I have left, but you know I didn't mean to.
If you wondering if I'm happy now?
All I know id I never be as happy as when we had Our Saturday.

Unless

It's 3 am now

I started to re-questioning everything,

Is love real?

Is it made or grow by time when people just being together?

Why am I keep falling in love in the wrong place?

Why do I keep failing over and over

Is there something wrong with me?

or Is it me who asked to much?

I can't keep him for years.

I love him, very much

but I don't know if he does

and now what?

what if I miss him
what if I love him too much

"Have you tell him?"

I just answer her question with a fake smile

"Really? Hey, he is your boyfriend, he has to know what you feel. And actually It's not really hard to speak to your own boyfriend? Aren't you tired being like this? For God sake if you feel somethings wrong in your relationship just ask him."

"Well, actually, I already asked him last night."

"And...?"

"It's just me. It's just me who imagining everything, he's fine, totally fine. Well maybe it's just his character, and it's mean that I'm the one who should adapt."

"And so what makes you feel upset right now?"

"Well, he mad at me now... Cause I questioning things that he didn't feel at all, he's mad at me. He said, so there's something wrong in this relationship that makes me feel uncomfortable. He said...."

"And now you feel guilty? You think this is your fault and you shouldn't feel like that on the first time?"

Tears started running down my cheeks. I can't answer her anymore.

"Why you have to feel guilty when you actually do nothing wrong? You really good at speaking in public but why do you always lose when you meet someone close to you? "

"I should understand him better."

"Hey, sometimes, you don't need to look from the other side, you must care about your feeling more than you care about others. You really don't need to be this good to everyone. It's him who didn't try to understand you. You've try so hard. Isn't this his turn?"

"You know I can't be mad, I can't hardly tell him this is his fault."

"Why?"

"Cause It will hurt him, cause he will remember it, the words I use to talk to him it will lingering in his head and I won't it. I know it's really feel bad when someone mad at you, even if you're already make up, there will be something left there, something that already break your heart, even it's not torn it apart."

"If one day someone stole something from you and they told you why, will you understand them?"

"Maybe...."

"Stop being so kind to everyone."

"Not everyone, just people I care about.."

"Hey, just remember, somehow, if you don't put your self for your priorities, How can people will?"

First Fight

"So what do I did wrong?" He asked.

She rolled her eyes "Really? are you really going to ask that kind of question?!" She whisper to her own self, she started to remember what happen with them, she remember how she left a sleep-message  to him just because she didn't want him to be worry if she didn't reply that night, but in the morning when she wake up, she didn't see any message from him, not even one, "It's okay, maybe he's too busy to read my message, I'm sure he gonna explain it when he reply." She wait and wait and she got his message, "Finally!" -Good morning babe, I'm sorry I didn't text you yesterday, I don't even open my phone. "That's it? really?". She remember the night before it's happen he already told her that his going to be busy and maybe he will reply her message late, she try to understand but she can't handle that. And now he ask her what did he do and she really have no words to answer his question. But suddenly her tears falling down through her cheeks... 

"I'm sorry."

"I know I shouldn't be like this, I know I should understand you better. I know... I'm sorry... Maybe I just miss you too much and It's make me mad cause I can't see you.. I'm sorry... I know I should be the one who would be there when you feel so tired, not the one who mad when you're tired. I'm really sorry... "

"Do you still love him?" 

All of my old friend met me me and questioning this question. Well, actually I'm not so confused why do they keep asking me this kind of question. But I keep can't answering the question lately. 'till yesterday. I see him, I see how happy he is now, I see his girl now is the girl who I ain't be, I suddenly know he doesn't need me, I suddenly know I'm not the girl who he wants to be with. And it's wake me up, no more doubt, I still care about him, but I don't want to be with him, I just want him to be happy, and now he does. 

And Now, I have someone I want to be with , the one who can take me as I am, the one who need me, the one I really love and care about. I don't know how I fall in love with this man, but I know I do love him, much, so much, I like the way he treat me, I like the way he calm me down when I got mad, I Like how he say sorry even when he didn't make any mistakes. I love him in every way he did, maybe sometimes I ask for something more, but somehow I know I already have more than anything I ever need.

So if they ask again "Do you still love Him?", I will be proudly and answer "No, I Love Him"

I miss you.

A lot.

People may see me so fine,

But I don’t.

I miss you.

Everytime I close my eyes,

Someone pop out of my mind,

It’s you.

I started picturing you in my mind.

“I miss you”

I don’t know why but that words keep coming out my mouth
with all this tears falling down through my cheeks

Over and over again

All the simple thing around me remind me of you.

And It’s hurt.

It’s hurt to know the fact.

When the fact is you really leave.

You left me with no choice, no trace,

And no clue.

I don’t know what to do.

I just keep missing you over and over.

My logic won’t help my anymore.

People keep saying  "let go",

But I know if they were me,

They won’t.

I miss you. 

I'm looking at his brown small eyes when he pull me close to him, he hold me.
And I hold my breathe.
And then I'm holding him back.
And I smile, I don't know why, but I'm smiling.

I can feel his warm heart.
And I started to crying.
It's feels like something inside me saying
"Please, stay, and never let go."

He's not going anywhere, He told me he will stay.
but at the day when the sun didn't shine,
when the rain begin to fall,
I was all alone.

I know times flies, and things changes
But I still believe what meant to be always find a way.

She get out of his car with tears in her eyes, she wipe it over and over but her tear never stop falling. 

"What would I do now?" She wonder why she ask him to drop her at her campus when she actually know all her friends are home. She doesn't stop walking, but she don't know where to go. She push some number on her phone and call it. 

Tears can't stop falling through her face all the way home, she felt empty. She have no Idea what will happen to her life. After all the fight she has been through, she never been this blind. "I wish I could change my self. I wish I could be the best." She's hurt, so deep.

She get in to her room And continue crying. All by her self. She call all her friend but no one answer. Her brain is burning just simply because She's too fall in love. 

The reason why I like him

Summer 2016

“I can’t be like this.”

“Why? You didn't do anything wrong.”

“Cause I can’t, cause you guys still blame me.”

“Hey, move on, it’s not he didn’t like you, but he like you much, so much, but you don’t like him, so he move.”

“But…”

“Are you in love?”

“ I just….”

“Seriously, what a great deal about that boy…You don’t even know him much”

I can’t answer her anymore, I get in to my own room, leaving her and our un-end-ed conversation. I turn off the light and lay on my bed. “She’s right… I don't know much about him… I just met him twice, but that’s tells me enough that he is a warm-hearted man. I can feel it. Maybe people think he’s not my type, but I know he actually does. I can see that he raised in such a really good family, filled with kindness and Love, then build him into such a great character. His character is actually the character I always wish to be the main character in my story. I like him much. I don’t know why but I do. I love the way he talk to me , I love the way he look in to my eyes, I’m too shy to stare at him while he’s staring at me, but I always do when he’s not. He hasn’t touch me, but I know his hug will be the warmest hug I ever know. There’s something about him. I never felt this way before, feeling so sure about someone just by met him twice. ”

FRIEND ZONE

Banyak orang beranggepan sahabatan cewek sama cowok itu indah, nyaman, cocok, dan masih banyak kata-kata yang orang gunain untuk menggambarkan 'kedekatan' mereka.

Kenyataannya, psikologi membuktikan kalo cewek sm cowok itu ga akan bener-bener murni sahabatan dalam jangka waktu lama. One of them bakal jatuh cinta sm yang lainnya tanpa disadari, kalau mereka beruntung maka dua-duanya bakal jatuh cinta.

Tapi kondisi dimana salah satu jatuh cinta inilah yg sering di sebut friendzone, terlalu nyaman deket dengen sahabatnya. Dan yang memperburuk keadaan, si temen yang di jatuhin cinta(?) ini, tau galo lawan jenisnya jatuh cinta sama dia tapi dia malah memanfaatkan keadaan, gak buka mata dan nggak ngejauh juga.

Well, aku gak membenarkan untuk ngejauh juga si sebenernya, tapi, penjelasan. Ya, mau gimanapun keadaanya sebenernya semua orang itu perlu suatu penjelasan, jadi orang itu bisa berfikir apa dia harus stay or leave.

The point is, when you love someone, you should let them know. 

If you don't you should tell them too, Loud and clear. 

If you want to be just friend, let them know. 

Terkadang orang takut untuk bersikap jahat sama orang lain, tapi disisilain mereka gak sadar degan sikap yang terlalu baik bahkan bisa nyakitin orang lain Lebih kejam dari pada langsung jahat sekalian. 

Well, friendzone juga sebenernya gak akan kejadian kalo pihaknya nggak terlalu mudah baper. Tapi soal perasaan siapa sih yang bisa ngatur.
Dan, Jatuh cinta sama temen itu gak semudah itu. Perasaan sayang sama temen sama cara padang kepada lawan jenis itu cenderung beda. The thing is... When you care too much about a person sometimes makes you feel hurt whenever they feel sad. And sometimes you feel like you don't want to lose them, that's why you feel so insecure when (s)he's not around you and that feeling will make you realize you really are falling in love with your best friend.

Nobody want to stuck in the friend zone, when you fall in love, tell 'em. The worst thing of tell the truth that you're falling in love with them is you get denied, The worst thing of never tell what you really felt is, Regret. And trust me it will hurt you muchmuchmuch more than get denied.

Hardest Goodbye

*A Year ago*

"Do you really have to go now?" He stare at her with a broken smile.

She hold her smile, take his hand said "You know it's already late."

"Will we meet tomorrow?"

"My day is all yours, Okay? I gotta go now. See you."

She left with a smile on her cheeks, she's really hurt when she look in to his eyes, but she really has to go, even if it's the hardest goodbye she ever known. 

Yeah, she believe that was the hardest goodbye can happen to her. 

Until today...

"I gotta go now." She smile to him and packed her things

"Okay, see you soon." He stare at her and reply her smile, watching her open up the door and leaving him, just like that. 

She walk slowly to her home, hoping the boy she left behind will call her name, but he don't. 

So she get in to her room, sitting there in the corner and whispering to her self, "So this is it? Hardest goodbye? It's not about how I couldn't let you go,But 'bout how I let you go so easily, as if there's nothing between us. Why do we really need to act as if we're just friend? You know we never be friends. "