18 Agustus 2020

 Do you still love me?

"With all my heart"

"You want to leave?"

"Do we even have a future together? Do you ever say you want the rest of your life with me?"

"Of course. What are you gotta say?"

"Hah." I'm a little tingled, "After all this time? Really? After all the way you plan your marriage with your future wife? After all the story of your lovely child? Not ours, you always say yours, or mine. You always talk like we're just a break up soon couple, we're just doing all this shit temporary. And it's hurt me. So much. I just didn't say that. It's cut me deep. You tell me every single thing you want, but you never involve me in it. It's always feels like you didn't want me. And you want to know the worse part? That you never notice. After all this year, you never get who I am."

17 Juli 2020

I am Positive

Waktu menunjukkan pukul sembilan malam saat kamarku sudah gelap gulita, "Tidak seperti biasanya." Ujarku dalam hati. Dalam kegelapan masih ada cahaya yang bersinar, dua layar yang yang sudah diturunkan tingkat kecerahannya hingga angka minimum. Aku dalam posisi setengan duduk sambil memangku laptop dan alasnya, dengan airpods di telinga yang sedang tersambung menelfon kekasihku. 
I am Positive.  Yap, aku sedang menceritakan tentang keadaanku sendiri dan sekarang, secara langsung sekaligus tidak langsung membiarkan kalian tau keadaanku. Jika kalian adalah orang asing yang tidak mengenalku, Well, let me say, welcome to my life. Kalian bergabung dengan kehidupanku bersamaan dengan beberapa obat yang kini sudah masuk ke saluran pencernaanku. 

So what is this story about? Never mind, it's just simply my daily blog. I am Positive, Can't believe somethings positive show us a bad sign. 

***
"Raaaa..." Teriak Kak Kesha dibalik pintu kamarku, aku melepas airpods dari telingaku yang sedang ku gunakan menonton The Greenhouse Academy dan menjawab teriakannya, "Apaan?" Ujarku ketus, sedikit merasa terganggu, mini series ini sedang menjadi perhatianku, aku sudah mencapai season ketiga dalam dua hari satu malam, entah bagaimana tapi aku sangat bersemangat. 
"Tara Positive!" Ujarnya kali ini sedikit memelan karena mungkin ia tidak tau cara mengatakannya dengan baik. Aku terpaku, duduk dan menatap kosong layar laptopku yang juga tidak bergerak. 
"Iya Ra, bentar lagi dianterin obatnya." Tambah mamaku yang baru pulang, aku rasa informasi yang disampaikan kak Kesha berasal darinya, namun semua itu tidak penting, pikiranku melayang entah kemana. Aku duduk di pojok kasurku, tidak bergerak, hanya duduk menatap selimutku. 
"Ra?" Papaku sudah berdiri di depan pintu kamarku, menatap diriku dan menertawakanku, "Eh, anak papa yang paling lemah!" Ujarnya mengejekku sekaligus menghiburku, "Isolasi ya, Gak boleh keluar-keluar" Tambahnya lalu menutup pintu kamarku lagi. Beberapa menit kemudian, saat aku masih belum bergerak dari singgah sanaku, ia kembali membuka pintu dan berkata "Pake masker, makan obat , papa udah selesai masa latennya" Kembali menunjukkan wajah usilnya. Setelah ia keluar masuk berkali-kali lagi setelahnya, mungkin memastikan aku tidak bersedih sendirian, aku merasa sedikit terhibur dengan lelucon-lelucon sciencenya. Aku mulai tenang, sedikit tenang. Aku mulai membisikan kepada diriku sendiri, "Everythings will be fine".

***

18 Maret 2020

Ephemera

Ephemera, Umurku 22 tahun saat pertama kali mendengar kata tersebut. Letto, sebuah band Indonesia yang sangat berjaya pada masanya, mungkin saat aku berumur 10-13, entahlah aku tidak yakin pastinya. Sebelum Cahaya, Ruang Rindu, dan banyak lagi lagu mereka yang sangat terkenal di tanah air, kalau aku memutarnya di tengah keramaian, aku bisa menjamin 3/4 ruangan akan ikut bersenandung. Aku tidak tau banyak tentang mereka, bahkan aku tidak mengetahui nama vokalisnya atau anggotanya yang lain, tapi mereka memberiku banyak. Umurku 23 saat aku menuliskan ini, aku dalam masa krisis kehidupan, dimana aku tidak tau apa yang aku lakukan selanjutnya. "Where to go?" "What to do?" "How to feel?", I don't know who am I.

Sampai aku menemukan kata Ephemera, Artinya, sesuatu yang bersifat sementara. Jadi? What is the first thing on my mind when I know about Ephemera? I named it love,  the day I found out Ephemera word, is the day my heart broken, so, that happiness before my sadness is what I thought about Ephemera.

Kenyataannya, a couple months next, I heard the song (again) Ephemera And I'm smiling, because that day, I'm happy, and I believe Ephemera is the Sadness. And then, I just got it, Ephemera adalah semua yang ada dikehidupan. Bukan, bukan seneng atau sedih, tapi seluruh kehidupan ini, seluruh realitas yang sedang kita hadapin, it's just something we will pass, we just need to fight and feel.


I want to write a book with this tittle, Ephemera, 1st Chapter will about a broken heart, 2nd failure, 3rd Falling in love, 4th Successful story. But I need more, And I need ur help. Tell me first time come in your mind when you hear the word Ephemera. Or maybe you could share to me a little interesting story I could write. So If you guys don't mind , you can leave is anonimously Here

6 Januari 2020

Handwriting Experience

H E L L O
Let Me Tell You A Little Secret About Me

Well, I actually thinking 'bout adding some new pages to my blog, and it's technically talking about me. But I'm not finished it yet, and I got a new things to share, this would be really shamed me,but I don't care, it's the old me. I'm a different person now. 

Let me start to tell you when I was in elementary school, I really good at math, I swear I do, -Till now I still do math well, but I just didn't found it in medical school #outoftopic- So when I was in fifth grade, there was a match, like a Olympiad, one school have to send one of their student to have one subject. And I was a really strong candidate, cause as I told you, I really good at math, no one doubt me. But, they don't even nominate me, you know why? 

The problem is my handwriting, they said it was so awful, And I'm so sad about it, but I know I shouldn't be sad because they're stupid, I might win, but they just.... I get mad.... Till now on actually, If I thinking about that day I always think like, really? It's not really that bad, I remember it's just standard....

Then, a few month ago, when I already in college, I shared something that I write and one of my elementary friend comment on it "Well, your hand writing is really beautiful now, it's so much different when you're in elementary school." And I was like, HAHA. SERIOUSLY? I HATE YOU.

TILL TODAY...