To the boy I'm gonna love next

Listen,
I can be so hard to handle, I swear I am. Some of them are just lucky because sometimes, they met the easy me,  But I swear, I can be super moody and I know that's sucks. I swear I can leave your message like I never gonna like you and somehow call you like I'm your biggest admirer. Call me freak, it's suit me well. I can make you're mind blow up, 'till you out of words. Sometimes my words are sharper than a knife, and it's stub you.. everytime we argue.

But I hope you're not giving up

Because at the moment when I like you, or maybe love you
you'll see some part of me that you will never see in someone else
I can't tell you is it good or not
but you only see it when you love me
So I hope you do.

Dear Reader,

Starting from today I would like to use my blog as my personal love story. Let me tell you everything about my day, I don't have time to write it everyday, but if I had a good day or bad day, I swear, you'll know it.

So let me tell you about today, the day when I decide to write more often, I wake up feeling so anxiety, having a bad dream. I won't talk about it. Let me tell you I just broke up, with a boy who I still so in so in love with. He's the real reason why I wrote, he always be my reason. I've finish a novel series 'bout him, how he broke my heart, and my life. I depressed, frustrate, but.. he don't care.

Today I met him, in my bestfriend birthday. And he broke my heart, from pieces to another small pieces. It broke my heart till I can't say a word. So this post end..

KENAPA DIA?

Kenapa kau bertanya? Bukankah semua orang layak untuk dicinta? Kau bertanya karena kau peduli dengannya bukan? Namun, kau meragukan pilihannya? Apa mungkin ia jatuh cinta tanpa alasan? Apa mungkin ia menyukai orang yang sungguh sangat jahat dan tidak memiliki sisi baik? Lalu, apa yang membuatkau bertanya? Apa karena ia bukan seseorang pada kaummu sehingga kau memandangnya sebelah mata? Atau karena masalalunya? Apakah kamu sempurna untuk pantas mempertanyakan itu semua? 

thankyou, sorry and good bye

- I felt guilty as fuck.
*Why? You didn't do anything wrong, not even one step of you are wrong.
- What if he just being his self? What if he's hurt now? What if he hates me?
* And so what? you hurt too, don't you remember?
- I guess I forgot how hurt it felt. I think I just cared too much about him.
- I want to leave him a message, it's a thankyou and sorry message?
* Seriously? For what? He is the one who should say it.
- Please, this time... Let me believe in my self. All this time, I always hear all of you saying things and make me un-do what I really want to do. Can you once understand me? Your comments always matter to me, why can't you at least once try to understand me. 

DEAR GOD

Dear God.
If it has to be end, please let it end well. Please let me and him sit right and talk.. Heart to heart... please let go all of our ego and give us a good talk..  Give me a big heart to let him go, Give me a strong soul who can stand a broken heart. Don't let me cry.. Because it'll hurt him too.

Dear God.
If it has to be end.. Please make sure you have a better plan for me and him. Please, make him happy so he wouldn't call me anymore. Please make sure I have a strong heart and decision so if one day he come, I'll no longer catching his back. God. I don't want to hurt anyone I swear. I don't wanna fall in love if I couldn't forget him. I don't want to fall over the same mistakes..

God, please help make sure I didn't put his self among my own..

"Masih sayang?"
"Masih."
"Kenapa pisah?"
"Gue kan yang sayang, dia kagak"
"Emang tau dari mana dia ga sayang?"
"My friends told me so..."
"Menurut kamu?"
Setetes air mata akhirnya jatuh dari mata carla, Hana tertawa mengejek sahabatnya satu itu.
"La, La... Lo mau sampe kapan begitu?"
"Gue yakin temen-temen ngelarang gue dengan suatu alasan... mereka ga mungkin kok dengen sengaja nyiksa gue... Gue yakin... Gue cuma di butain sama perasaan gue ke dia..."
"Mereka bilang apa?"
Carla hanya bisa menggelengkan kepalanya.. ia tidak dapat menjelaskan apapun.. semua komentar teman-temannya hanya selalu menyayat hatinya. Kenyataan bahwa semua orang bisa melihat semua yang dilakukan Carla dan tidak ada yang dilakukan Sean.
"Bukan masalah mereka, tapi Sean emang udah nggak nunjukin lagi kalo dia sayang sama gue."
"Tapi sebenernya lo mikir dia masih sayang sama lo gitu?"
"Gue yakin... Kalo dia sayang dia bakal kejer gue..."
"Gimana kalo dia yakin, kalo lo sayang lo gak akan ngelepasin?"
"Artinya kita gak cocok, artinya, gak satupun dari kita yang sayangnya sekeras itu sampe bakal ngejer. Gue yakin kalo gue sayang banget gue bakal ngejer dia lagi, kalo sampe nanti gue bisa nahan, kalo sampe nanti dia juga bisa nahan, artinya, cinta kita emang ga segede itu."