entahlah, entahlah apa yang ada dipikiranku sekarang. Aku berubah pikiran setiap menit berlalu. Bahkan air mataku bingung ingin jatuh atau menetap. Jantungku... entahlah... ritmenya tidak jelas, berubah-berubah, ingin membenci dan ingin bersedih di saat bersamaan.

"I'm fine" aku membisikkan pada diriku sendiri.. Tentu saja aku baik-baik saja.. aku sudah pernah menghadapi hal seperti ini. aku sudah pernah kehilangan dirinya, lebih buruk lagi, aku sudah pernah melihatnya dengan orang lain.. "Lalu apa bedanya?" air mataku tetap menetes.. 

Awalnya hanya satu tetes, awalnya aku masih menertawakan diriku sendiri yang masih menangis karena hal yang sama. Namun seketika tangisku pecah, entahlah, entah apa yang merasuki diriku. Entah apa yang membuatku meninggalkan dia, mengulangi kesalahan yang sama. 

"Aku sayang kamu" 

Aku selalu meninggalkan kalimat tersebut disetiap percakapan yang kami lalui, sederhana, aku hanya ingin menunjukkan padanya betapa aku mencintainya. Tidak penting, tapi aku suka melakukan hal tersebut. 

Tidak pernah ada jawaban darinya, tidak pernah ia kembali mengirimkanku pesan tersebut. Mungkin dia memang tidak mencintaiku. 

Aku perlahan menghindar, aku perlahan mencoba merubah pandanganku, ya aku mencintainya, aku tidak ingin memungkirinya, aku terlalu jatuh cinta. dan aku hanya ingin selalu dengannya. namun hal itu terlalu memaksa. dan ternyata cinta bukan hal yang memaksa.

She walk in to the room with him, holding hand, and smile to all the guest there,
"Hey" As always her smile could brighten up the entire room, everyone wave back at her. She really is everybody's friend, she is the definition of kindness. Holding him that way, I know she already forgive him, I know she just let him control her life..
At least.. That was I thought before we talk..

I was the only one who didn't smile at her when she came, but right after she talk to everybody, she ask him to seat to the chair with everybody, and she came to me...

"Hey."
"You let him again?" Yes, I was mad at her, because, She's too strong to be that weak.. She never stop forgiving, she always give him another chance, She always try too hard, 'till it killing her, just for him...
"I know what you're thinking... But I guess... He's the one who getting hurt.. Then Why do I walk away?"

"I thought you want to leave him"
"Yes, I did too.. I was so sure 'till I cry my self all night, Feels like all of this will never be work the same. I prepare my self to those biggest lost of my life."
"And then why you change your mind?"
"I'm not change my mind, My feeling concours me, just in a blink of an eye, his eye, I couldn't resist, it makes me want to try again, again, and again.. Even if it's kills me.. all of sudden he become my world, my world that tear me apart, but still... I'll have no where to live except my world."