Sekitar setahun lalu, tepatnya 5 November 2017 kakak pertamaku melaksanakan penikahan di sebuah hotel di Palembang. Dibalik satu hari yang melelahkan itu, ternyata menyisahkan suatu kisah di hidup aku. Bahkan aku nggak sadar bahwa impact dari pernikahan itu bisa sebesar ini.
Aku inget sekitar pertengahan bulan september tahun lalu, mendadak untuk pertama kalinya aku mengalami mood swing, a good things 'bout that time is I had boyfriend, and yes, he's the one who keep me calm. And in that first mood swing, I was thinking, "What if things will be different later?" By time I figure out that I'm a self dependent person, and the one who I always depending on is... My sister.. who I though I'm gonna lose after her married...
Pada malem itu aku mendadak merasa sedih, merasa ketakutan, dan merasa gatau harus gimana. Aku inget aku minta 'dia' pulang kerumah, karena aku butuh orang yang nemenin, walau cuma lewat telfon, tapi itu lebih dari cukup. I tell him, I tell him enough so he can feel my sadness. And he was there, beside me, with me. Dia bilang, "Kamu udah besar, pernikahan bukan berarti kakak kamu bakal pergi dari kamu kok, by time, nanti kamu juga mau nikah, dan kamu mau pernikahan kamu cuma buat orang lain sedih? Nggak kan?" (I'm even drop a tear while I write this).
Aku takut sama yang namanya perubahan. Naif sih, tapi aku serius. Aku benci keluar dari zona nyaman aku, apalagi kalo aku nggak siap sama resikonya. One told me, somehow we need to move from our comfort zone to know how comfort it is. But I'm too afraid. I know everybody move, but I always believe they'll gonna comeback, that's why I never move.
And after that nite, I try to accept, I try to be happy for her. And I need to learn to come out of my comfort zone, And suddenly my live felt change, I feel that I'm really weak, feels like I'm too afraid, afraid that no one will love me the same, I feel my self like it wasn't me. And I miss My self much.
Pada saat itu, aku inget banget aku pengen bikin ucapan buat kakak aku :
My dear sist,
There you are standing in front of everyone as the queen of the day. Yes, you win, you have him, and I have nothing but you. and now he take you away from me? Hey sis. I'm gonna miss you, I'm gonna miss sleep with you through all those annoying conversation. I'm gonna miss when I sneak out of out room cz I have a boyfriend to call. we're way too different from each other, I'm such a flirty little kid, and you're a really-really classy lady. I guess that make me feel lyk I hate you much, cause I damn want to be lyk you. And I want you too be with me.
My dear sist hubby gonna be.
And there you are, stealing her from me, stealing her kiss, her attention, and the most important one Her Time. And you should be really grateful about that. don't hurt her.
But I don't...
I didn't say anything, I never show her how much I love her, How much I depend on her.
That's killing me.
But I don't...
I didn't say anything, I never show her how much I love her, How much I depend on her.
That's killing me.
